I am reading a book called An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken. It is the author’s story about the stillbirth of her first child, a son, and the events leading up to that fateful day. In the book she writes, “I would have done the whole thing over again even knowing how it would end.” Pretty powerful, and made me think about my own experience.
Had I not had the twins, so many things would be different in my life today. They made me stronger as a person. Before they died, never in a million years did I think I was physically and mentally strong enough to give birth to them and then to hold them as they lay dead in my arms… to examine every inch of their bodies knowing I’d never see them again. It doesn’t make much sense, and I know not everyone who loses a baby feels this way, but I felt proud and privileged to have had that experience with them.
The twins showed me how much love I had in my life from family and friends.
They enabled me to connect with the “bigger picture” of death and the natural world.
Since their death, I have worked and formed friendships with a fantastic group of women all of whom experienced the loss of a baby. I probably wouldn’t have met them if it weren’t for the twins.
I now have two beautiful sons I would not have known had the twins survived. And the list goes on.
It’s taken me ten years to get to this place in my grief but I have to say yes, that I would do it all over again. My twins’ short lives were not in vain, and I don’t regret having them at all.