Soundwaves Perinatal Bereavement Support

Bereavement Support For Parents Grieving the Loss of a Baby During or Just After Pregnancy

“Just a miscarriage…” April 6, 2009

Filed under: Bereavement Support,Loss of a Baby,miscarriage,Stillbirth — Claudia @ 1:52 pm

There are an estimated 500,000 miscarriages reported in the United States each year. The way a woman reacts to an early pregnancy loss is often determined by her level of attachment to her unborn child prior to and after conceiving. Often times, women who suffer a miscarriage will hear from friends and family things like “you’re lucky- at least you know you can get pregnant,” or “you can always try again” or the worst “it was just a miscarriage.”  These words are of little comfort to the woman who has been trying for years to get pregnant and/or desperately wanted the baby that died.

I suffered two miscarriages in my quest to have a child. One miscarriage happened before and the other happened after I gave birth to my stillborn twin sons.  Although my experience with the twins was devastating, my miscarriages were each heart wrenching and difficult to bear.

My husband and I had been trying to conceive for two years before I got pregnant the first time. I wanted a baby so very badly. By the time I finally did become pregnant I was so attached to the idea of having a child that I was in love from the moment I saw the result of my positive pregnancy test. I experienced spotting twelve weeks into the pregnancy and went for an ultrasound to see if everything was OK. A few minutes after the examination began, my former obstetrician flippantly told me that there was no heartbeat. I began to cry. I was given the option for a D and C, and then was told that after I was able to pull myself together I could leave (there were pregnant women in the waiting room I’m sure she didn’t want me to upset).

That  first miscarriage hit me hard, and completely changed the way I perceived my future. I panicked that I might not ever be able to have a child. The physical pain was far more intense than I had anticipated (I opted to miscarry naturally without a D and C, and I also ended up in the emergency room due to a bad reaction to a medication my former obstetrician put me on for excessive bleeding). I was afraid to try to conceive again. My relationship with my husband changed for a time as well. He really wanted a baby of his “own” and I began to think of adoption. It was a very difficult time.  

I reacted very differently after my second miscarriage. Nearly five years had gone by since we started trying to have a baby. I became angrily determined to conceive and carry a child to full term live birth. Perhaps it was this tenacity (or just pure luck) that led me to my successful fourth (and subsequent fifth) pregnancy. Each of my children are a part of me I will never forget, leading me on a tumultuous yet ultimately positively life-altering journey to parenthood.  But each of my two early losses were never “just a miscarriage” to me.

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5 Responses to ““Just a miscarriage…””

  1. roni achcar Says:

    Hi my name is roni I am 20 years old and married to the man of my dreams,I have been with him for 5 years and I’ve been married for 1 year.first I would like to say sorry for ur loss,I to have sufferd from 2 misscariges the first pregnacy came as a surprise,I was happy but young and dident quit know if I wanted to keep my baby,but after thinking real hard I decided to keep my baby,after 4 months of pregnacy I whent to my appointment only to discover that not only was I pregnant with two children,but that my babys were not liveing in my belly for 3 weeks.I then proceeded to cry and blame myself for my lost.this was a horrible time for me in which I droped out of school and distent myself from loved one’s. I truly thought I would never get through it,it took me a year to relize it wasent my falt and I then enterd my self into job corps and begain to move on,after completing job corps my husband then asked me to bless him with a baby,after over thinking it I decided to proceed with tryin to conceive,I tryed for 6 months,and found out I was pregnant,after finally geting what I had wanted I felt like my life was back on track,my husband and I was so excited and in love we decided to get married,so we did on aug,13,07 we became married only to find out 2 weeks later I had miscaried our child,I am still devastead and confused.I hope that one day I could give him a child,and start our lives over again,but I can still say I will never forget the children I concieved in the past…but I will not give up on the one’s I will consieve in the futchure

    • bubbaandbutch Says:

      Hi Roni-
      So sorry to hear about your losses. I know the hard time you are going through right now. Hang in there. I’m praying for you.
      Take Care-
      Claudia

  2. Kate Says:

    I am sorry for what happened, but your success stories despite it gives me hope. I’ve been trying since January 2008. Sigh. The one “comforting statement” I’ve heard is “I’m sure this happened for a reason, you are better off” SERIOUSLY?

    • bubbaandbutch Says:

      Kate-
      So sorry for your loss. We (my friends who have had a loss and I) often find that people who haven’t experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of a child after birth just don’t “get it.” There are plenty of us out here that do; please know that you are not alone.
      Claudia

  3. mrskolasa Says:

    Claudia,
    I found your blog through the Hygeia website, by way of the today show. I just wanted to tell you that I am in awe of your honesty and strength. Having experienced infertility for the last 3 1/2 years with 2 miscarriages and one failed adoption thrown into the mix, I am relieved to know that I am not alone. Thank you for bringing hope to a grim situation. Please feel free to email me at josiekolasa@gmail.com or check out my blog at http://www.gonnariseup.wordpress.com.
    Thank you thank you thank you.


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