Soundwaves Perinatal Bereavement Support

Bereavement Support For Parents Grieving the Loss of a Baby During or Just After Pregnancy

Father’s Day June 16, 2009

The Father’s Day after I gave birth to my stillborn twin sons my husband and I hosted my family at our house for a dinner together. My niece made my husband a tie out of paper and crayons. She also made one for her own father (my brother) and her grandfather (my father). My husband and I had not yet successfully had a healthy, living baby. Upon seeing my husband wearing the tie, my father said “Hey, why did you get a tie? You’re not a father yet.”

Those words cut me like a knife. And although he didn’t say anything, I’m sure my husband was hurt as well. I had had two miscarriages and carried the twins for six months when they were stillborn. Weren’t we parents? I felt very much like a mother.  And I know my husband felt very much like a father as well.

For the tenth anniversary of our twins’ death this past September, my husband wrote a beautiful tribute to them. I would like to share it with you here, and dedicate it to all the grieving fathers who have lost a baby. I will be thinking of you this Sunday…

Ten years ago marked one of the most painful events in our lives.

There is nothing like the loss of children… particularly first children.  The grief is unique… and deeply painful.  It steals hope and destroys dreams.  It challenges faith.  It raises the simple question, “why us?” 

But is also renews faith, as a reminder that there are some things only God knows… leaving us with only acceptance… letting go… but remembering.  Trusting God.

I can only surmise God’s plan for taking Joseph and Andrew.  It is not within my power to know it.

Perhaps it was to leave a loving mother behind… to always remember… and to be of service to others in similar pain.  Perhaps remembering renews love and commitment for the two beautiful blessings God has now provided for us… Andrew and Matthew. 

Perhaps God brings us emotional pain as an opportunity for true humility.  To help us to see what is really important.  To see where he wants us to serve others.  It is through seeing the truth of these things… if we allow ourselves to see… that He leads us to true joy in our lives… to gratitude in each moment.

But this is all supposition for now.  Maybe the real answers will be revealed when we meet Joseph and Andrew, again, in God’s eternal kingdom.  Until then, I thank Joseph and Andrew’s Mom for remembering… and taking me here from time to time… for a refresher in pain, humility…  joy and gratitude.